10-27-23

I was listening to a sermon on addiction. I believe that all of us have a little something that we are addicted to. I am not just talking about people who have alcohol or drug addictions. There are food addictions, I struggle with sugar. Tobacco addictions. The new one is phone addictions. MANY of us have this issue. 

As he spoke of his struggle with pain killers he said that he heard God in his mind tell him that he should pray “Your will, not mine be done”. He asked the question of those listening “Do you have the nerve to pray this prayer?” There have been times in my recent life where I have prayed it and meant it.

So why did I hesitate today?

I have always had back issues, but in 2019 it progressed to the point that in the beginning of 2020, I could not climb our stairs at home. The pain shot from my leg through my body. I have had 33 images since then, xrays, scans and MRI’s. I have been to Mayo Clinic. During 2020 and 2021 I really struggled. It was totally life altering. God knows my weak personality so luckily for me, I get very sick if I take Vicodin or those types of addictive pain killers. If not, I could be addicted to them now.

As time went on, I found out that along with the other back and autoimmune issues I had, I also had a stress fracture in my sacrum. So, I think that I was starting to heal and some of the pain lightened. During the worst part of that time, I spent a lot of time sitting, reading my Bible, and watching sermons online. Then in December of 2020 Pastor asked if anyone wanted to write devotions for our email as the council members were getting burned out. I have never written and thought I would try. It was great for me because it made me do a deeper dive into my Bible. I knew even then that this was part of God’s plan for having me. “Be Still”. I have learned so much about God from this part of my life that I would not have learned. His goodness is endless! He uses every thing in our lives to grow us. 

I have been very candid about all of this and here is the harder part for me to acknowledge. 

This past week my back has been pain free for the first time in years. When this pastor said, “God wants us to pray “HIS will be done, not ours, can you really say this?” My pride wanted to say, “YES! I have prayed this”. But suddenly I heard myself saying “Yes, Lord, your will not mine, BUT can I please stay pain free?”  

You realize that as soon as I said “BUT”, I was putting conditions on God. Most of you know what it’s like to have health struggles. It’s been hard for me to limp from pain every day, to not go places because the pain is too bad and even going to the grocery store is hard some days.  Then suddenly one day, the pain is GONE! For no reason. I have done nothing different.

In Mark 9:24 It says “Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief”. 

Lord, help me today to have the faith to pray, “your will, not mine”.  I know that I want to be in your will and give every part of my life to you unconditionally knowing that you are a loving Father. Amen

Shirlene Peterson